Probably More Than You Want to Know

You know, so many wrestle with when to tell people they are pregnant. I really never thought I would miscarry, so when we found out that we were pregnant this time we shared with everyone very early--even Cookie. That was the hardest thing for me so far. Telling him on his level--not too much information, but just enough so that he could understand what had happened on a 7 year old level. He was so hurt.  He has such a big heart, and he is so transparent. I love that about him. He is o.k. with it now, but that really sucked big time. What a punch in the gut.

So, you know I was kinda banking on the fact that the odds of nothing bad happening that was pregnancy related were in our favor. I am not going out to buy any lottery tickets any time soon, let me tell you. I guess that's just not the way it is going to work for us, which I admit is very unsettling.

Seeing the heartbeat at the first appointment was reassuring, but I am thankful that my OB was so tactful that she was able to begin to prepare me for the possibility even then. But, that was one long weekend waiting for the follow-up ultrasound. Once we found out there was no heartbeat it was like someone had died, but we couldn't have the funeral. Having the D&C was such a relief that I am not sure I have been able to process much else since I got that behind me. I keep waiting on it to really hit me. It is definitely a process.

I am so thankful for what I have. I have thought so much about how much more awful it is for women to miscarry who have no children. I am so thankful for my family. The day of the follow-up ultrasound I just wanted to get home and be with my boys - to just look at them and hug them. The fact that life goes on is so good for me. To not be able to stop for too long is good for me too, I think. Focusing on what I do have is what I need to do. It's what we all need to do, right?

I am again thankful for my support system. The fact that my friends and family continue to stick by me, and don't run for the hills is such a good feeling. I have felt so loved by you all. The flowers, the cards, the phone calls, the prayers... the fact that you give me my space, but keep coming back to check on me. Thanks. I haven't forgotten how great my support system is since Nosey was born, but this has been a great reminder. My cup runneth over. Despite what has happened, I see how blessed I am. I have the best husband in the world, and the best friends and family anyone could ever hope for.